Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Waiting

The waiting is the hardest part.
Everyday you see one more card.
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart.
The waiting is the hardest part.

Tom Petty knew what he was talking about when he said "the waiting is the hardest part." Even if he was talking about a woman, and I am talking about a job, I am so exhausted from waiting around for an answer.

I can see why it's so appealing to be your own boss, and not have to depend on someone else to give you answers about the future of your own career.

Since January 24, I have been in limbo with the WB and the new fangled CW network...I just want the plug to be pulled already. It has been agony...I am chained by a contract and prohibited from looking for a new job. Yet any day, I could be released, and the time on my contract would still end on the same day. Time is ticking on the hour glass and I am still here...

Almost all my coworkers have been laid off or have quit. Their offices are packed up and locked. Occasionally, a few pop in with cheery faces to check email on their way back from playing tennis or before going to a yoga class. I could scream "The Star Spangled Banner" at the top of my lungs, and no one would hear me. The halls are void of people sans the occasional messenger delivering one of the last rough cuts the WB will ever receive; there are boxes of abandoned tapes of scripts stacked against every wall in the halls. It is like the Burbank City Morgue, without even an undertaker.

Outside my office door sits a pile of unopened envelopes, mostly containing agency script submissions for clients I haven't read yet, but who I will be unable to help staff because I am not involved with staffing the new shows.

I crave being able to have a new focus - a new challenge, at work. I want to work, to have a normal routine where I can feel useful and important and like my thoughts matter. I used to feel that at this job. It was invigorating most days. The pace of working in television is intense, and you get in the groove of your routine, and are constantly reading and reviewing new matieral so it's always exciting and fresh. Your days are packed yet somehow you find the time to get EVERYTHING done.

Now I am planning a wedding, which is a welcome distraction since I have a bit more free time, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I still need to get my work-life sorted out...and soon...because the waiting...


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Revlon Run/Walk

On Saturday, May 13, my roommate and I participated in the Revlon Run/Walk at the L.A. Coliseum to help raise money for breast and ovarian cancer research.

We joined a group of over 50,000 people who are committed to finding a cure.

What I saw was unforgettable. Women, men, boys, girls, children and dogs everywhere. It was well-organized, but could have been chaotic considering how many people were there. But amidst all the people, the pets, the jog strollers and the white tents, loud speakers and music of Chaka Khan, there was an air of calmness. 100s of people walked in support of loved-ones. 100s of others walked just to walk for the cause. People walked in honor of their mothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, friends, and coworkers.

Some walked in memory of loved-ones, and that's when it became more intense. But nonetheless, they walked. They walked because they couldn't just sit at home and feel sad, doing nothing to help.

We may not all be doctors or work in oncology labs doing research, but we all have something to contribute.

Only 3 days before the race, I decided to send an email to close friends and coworkers, inviting them to sponsor me. I was blown away by the response. I hate asking people for money, no matter what the cause. But I am so appreciative of everyone I know that donated to the event. It made me feel good to know they support me and my mom, and everyone else who is impacted by the disease.

I don't know how I can repay the generous people who donated. A simple thank you seems too mundane, but the strong sense of gratitude I feel inside is strong, and I hope they all know that just as I was touched by all the thousands of people supporting the cause on Saturday, I was also touched by those who gave their hard earned money to help in the fight...

Marrying Patrick Swayze

When I was 9, I believed I would never get married. I was going to be an actress AND a pediatrician, who also did veterinary work on the side. I would live in a big, Meditteranean-style mansion with my adopted daughter, and we wouldn't need a man to take care of us.

As I grew older and wiser with age, I finally at age 10 realized that perhaps having a man around wouldn't be so bad. I could marry someone like Patrick Swayze in DIRTY DANCING, and we would spend our free time dancing to Otis Redding songs; he'd raise me up high above his head in a lift just like Baby and we'd be happy always. My dad would learn to like him, and I would be committed to changing the world, just like Baby.

In junior high school, I mentally moved on from Patrick Swayze and decided I would set my sights on marrying Jason Priestly. What I now recognize is that I didn't really want to betrothe myself to the chain-smoking, race-car-driving, Canadian hockey-playing Priestly, but rather I was in love with Brandon Walsh, the character he played on the TV show, BEVERLY HILLS, 90210. I wanted to be with someone who was dedicated to always making ethical choices. He would work long hours at the Peach Pit, or wherever his place of business was located, and also make time to hang out with his friends at the beach. At Thanksgiving, he'd invite the homeless war veteran back to our house for supper, and he'd always be loyal to his sister and his parents.

Now, at 27, I have completely accepted the idea of marriage to a non-fictional character... The nine year old in me gasps for air and questions what I'm committing myself to, but the adult woman in me knows that two is better than one. The adult woman in me knows that only with a special person can you laugh like you're a child at the most inane things, and knows that it is a blessing to find someone with whom you can completely let down your guard. And that someone is not Patrick Swayze, or Brandon Walsh, but a real-life man.

About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of several years proposed, and my life has not been the same since he asked me "to accept the beautiful ring and say I'll be his wife."

Suddenly, I look at him differently. Now that there is a ring on my finger, he looks smarter and more mature. He smells differently, too. His normal scent of Right Guard Mountain Fresh seems even manlier and more serious - like an extra-strength clear gel that can keep you dry during ANYTHING life presents you. His eyes are deeper and more sincere, and I realize that these are the eyes I will be looking into for the rest of my life. His hands are stronger and smoother, and I know that these are the hands I want to hold forever. His hands will be the ones that help me move furniture into my first real home, and his hands will be the ones that hold my children when they cry.

And unlike Patrick or Jason, I have actually smelled Kiko. I've touched him the flesh, and he has indeed lifted me up above his head. I've held his hands and I know what they feel like around my tiny fingers and I know that they'll be reaching out to me, to everything the 9-year-old in me was, and everything that the 27-year-old me NOW is, for as long as I am lucky to be with him...