Monday, February 15, 2010

Working Girl...Again

Thoughts from 2 weeks after giving birth...
I wear these dark circles like a badge of honor.
The softness of my empty belly reminds me of the precious gift it once carried.
Everything is different, yet I can't remember what it was like before he came.
Will my life ever feel the same? Will I ever look the way I did before I was pregnant?
It doesn't matter. But still I wonder,
Will I ever love anything more?

Tomorrow will be my first day back at work after having my baby. Tonight, I feel like I did the night before the first day of school. Even though, the difference is I already know who I'll be having lunch with (tomorrow, it will be my sister-in-law and the baby) and where my classes are, I still can't shake this feeling of jitters and nervousness.

On one hand, I am looking forward to exercising my professional muscles again. Even though I have actually worked some during my maternity leave, going into an office everyday is an entirely different routine than what I've been doing the past 3 months. It will be nice to have adult conversation, and to not be constantly thinking about someone else before me, but for the most part, I think I am rationalizing things in my head to make myself feel better...although, the thing is is that even though he won't be with me, I will constantly be thinking about him all day. Of course, I know he'll be fine and all of his needs will be met. But it is I that will be sad and will missing holding him, playing with him, and changing his diapers...It is I that will realize that we are not together, and it is I that will count the hours of the day until I get to see him again.

I know women do it all the time, but for some reason, I feel totally alone in this. Anyone out there (my 7 followers) have any advice for me? I told my boss I am probably going to cry tomorrow and she said "why?" (sigh)

I love my job and I feel so fortunate to have a job, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my baby. I love every second that I am with him, even when he is screaming so loud I think the windows of the car are going to shatter, I can't get enough of his sweet face and the sound of his chattering voice.

Still, this is my path, to return to work. His diaper bag is packed full of diapers, wipes, books, 2 changes of clothes. His activity gym is in the car, along with the stroller. My clothes are laid out so I know exactly what fits and I won't have to have a "discard" pile of too-tight-tops when I am getting dressed in the morning. All that's left to do is hope we both get good nights of sleep so that we are well rested for our day of adventure tomorrow.

BTW, my goal bed-time was 9:00 pm...2 hours late and counting.

Damn you Olympics and pre-work jitters...

Friday, February 05, 2010

Roll Over...Beethoven?

There are many milestones to look forward to with a new baby, from first smiles, to first steps, with each new achievement perhaps seeming better than the last. But it is amazing how the small things can make you feel like everything is right in the world. That's how I felt tonight when Baby J rolled over for the first time! He's been getting stronger and stronger each day, and three days ago, during tummy time, he was looking especially agile. I was really hoping (probably for purely selfish reasons) that he would roll over for the first time before I went back to work, so I didn't have to hear from the nanny, "Oh, your son rolled over today and I was there to see it for the first time."

As I was getting him ready for his bath, I said to my sister-in-law, "He's getting really close to rolling over; let's see if he does it because I am really hoping to be with him when he does it for the first time..." No pressure though, baby...

Sure enough, I put him on his tummy on the floor and he wiggled and cooed and suddenly, over onto his back he went. When he realized he was on his back, he had this look of strange wonder on his face, like he wasn't sure if he should feel proud or scared. His eyes opened really wide and his little mouth gaped open, like he wanted to tell me something but couldn't find the words.

Babies are the best and I think it's the small moments that really make the biggest impact. He will be rolling over for the rest of his life, but it's fun to think that today he did it for the first time.

As for crawling, I can wait awhile for that milestone to occur...too much baby-proofing to do around the house before that happens.