Working Girl...Again

Thoughts from 2 weeks after giving birth...

I wear these dark circles like a badge of honor.

The softness of my empty belly reminds me of the precious gift it once carried.

Everything is different, yet I can't remember what it was like before he came.

Will my life ever feel the same? Will I ever look the way I did before I was pregnant?

It doesn't matter. But still I wonder,

Will I ever love anything more?

Tomorrow will be my first day back at work after having my baby. Tonight, I feel like I did the night before the first day of school. Even though, the difference is I already know who I'll be having lunch with (tomorrow, it will be my sister-in-law and the baby) and where my classes are, I still can't shake this feeling of jitters and nervousness.

On one hand, I am looking forward to exercising my professional muscles again. Even though I have actually worked some during my maternity leave, going into an office everyday is an entirely different routine than what I've been doing the past 3 months. It will be nice to have adult conversation, and to not be constantly thinking about someone else before me, but for the most part, I think I am rationalizing things in my head to make myself feel better...although, the thing is is that even though he won't be with me, I will constantly be thinking about him all day. Of course, I know he'll be fine and all of his needs will be met. But it is I that will be sad and will missing holding him, playing with him, and changing his diapers...It is I that will realize that we are not together, and it is I that will count the hours of the day until I get to see him again.

I know women do it all the time, but for some reason, I feel totally alone in this. Anyone out there (my 7 followers) have any advice for me? I told my boss I am probably going to cry tomorrow and she said "why?" (sigh)

I love my job and I feel so fortunate to have a job, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my baby. I love every second that I am with him, even when he is screaming so loud I think the windows of the car are going to shatter, I can't get enough of his sweet face and the sound of his chattering voice.

Still, this is my path, to return to work. His diaper bag is packed full of diapers, wipes, books, 2 changes of clothes. His activity gym is in the car, along with the stroller. My clothes are laid out so I know exactly what fits and I won't have to have a "discard" pile of too-tight-tops when I am getting dressed in the morning. All that's left to do is hope we both get good nights of sleep so that we are well rested for our day of adventure tomorrow.

BTW, my goal bed-time was 9:00 pm...2 hours late and counting.

Damn you Olympics and pre-work jitters...